A satirical look back at some of the quirkiest, most eyebrow-raising things that happened in the sports world this week.
Wonder Woman takes on a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader: Who wins?
As Dana Killmer, a Cowboys cheerleader in the early 1980s, told Fox News: “The first time I put the uniform on was for a fitting, and you can’t describe that moment. You feel like you have superpowers when you put that uniform on.
“It’s a lot like Clark Kent and Superman. Because you’re just a normal person, and then you put the uniform on. Everyone wants to talk to you and shake your hand, and you take the uniform off, you hang it on a hanger, and you’re just a normal person again.”
Headlines
• At Deadspin.com: “Most annoying Warriors player says he and second-most annoying Warriors player are cool now.”
Most Read Sports Stories
• At SportsPickle.com: “Steelers are clearly distracted by not having Le’Veon Bell as a distraction.”
Clearing the air
Wesley Harms blamed his 10-2 semifinal loss to two-time world champion Gary Anderson at the Grand Slam of Darts in Wolverhampton, England, on Anderson fouling the air with flatulence, telling Dutch TV station RTL7L: “It’ll take me two nights to lose this smell from my nose.”
Anderson, however, vehemently denied his triumph was wind-aided.
Shocking news
Harley Davidson will roll out its first-ever electric motorcycle next year.
Gentlemen, charge your engines.
That’s some takeout
A curling foursome that included 2014 Olympic gold medalist Ryan Fry got kicked out of a World Curling Tour event in Red Deer, Alberta, for being “extremely drunk.”
Or, as it’s now known in bonspieling circles, three ice sheets to the wind.
Just a quick bite
National Fast Food Day, in case you missed it, was Nov. 16.
Though judging by the Saints’ 48-7 devouring of the Eagles, you might have sworn it was two days later.
Seeing Red
Heinz Ketchup has promised Chiefs QB Patrick Mahomes — who says he even likes the stuff on macaroni and cheese — free ketchup for life if he throws a record 57 TD passes this season.
Jameis Winston? Someone from Waterpik is holding on Line 2.
It’s no sweatshop
According to research published in Current Biology, people burn the most calories in the afternoon.
Oh, yeah? Ever see the Oakland Raiders play at 1 p.m. on Sundays?
Two-bit ban
Arkansas coach Chad Morris suspended two starting defensive backs for the final game for talking with members of the Mississippi State spirit squad.
In other words, wrong school spirit.
Talking the talk
• RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com, after QB Tom Brady said the Patriots need to forget the 34-10 beatdown they took in Tennessee: “In short: Don’t remember the Titans.”
• Mavericks coach Rick Carlisle, to reporters, when asked for a status update on swingman Luka Doncic: “Single.”
• Jack Finarelli of SportsCurmudgeon.com, taking note of Alabama kicker Joseph Bulovas: “Should be on NFL scouts’ watch list.”
Shoe fly
Heat swingman Josh Richardson was shocked to learn the NBA fined him $25,000 for throwing his shoe into the crowd during a loss to the Lakers.
Apparently he thought he had a free throw coming.
D is a passing grade
Defense in football, it appears, might be overrated.
The Rams just became the first team in NFL history to give up 50 points in a game — and win.
Oklahoma became the first college team to give up 40 or more in three straight games — and win all three.
Stat of the Week
Courtesy of ESPN’s Bill Barnwell: There were more touchdowns in the Rams-Chiefs game (14) than the Bills have scored all season (13).
No longer packing heat
From the They Live A Bit Different Lives Than Normal People file comes word that Miami Heat center Hassan Whiteside had a $50,000 M16 assault rifle stolen from his unlocked Rolls-Royce in Miami on July 5.
Quote marks
• Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, after a Wisconsin company announced it was giving its 16 employees handguns for Christmas: “And you thought your office Christmas party got out of control after people get drunk and argumentative.”
• John Maffei of the San Diego Union-Tribune, the only NL Cy Young Award voter not to list the Mets’ Jacob DeGrom No. 1, when asked by New York’s WFAN Radio if he could look at himself in the mirror: “The answer was yes, but I still don’t look like Brad Pitt.”
• Pat Forde of Yahoo Sports, on Kansas hiring ex-LSU football coach Les Miles: “He has the luxury of going from a place where the expectation is ‘Beat Alabama’ to a place where the expectation is ‘Beat Anyone.’ ”
• Ex-NFL coach Jerry Glanville, to AP, still going at age 77 as the Hamilton Tiger-Cats’ defensive coordinator: “A cat is supposed to have nine lives, and I think I’m down to about four.”
• Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle, on reports that the Browns would hire former Secretary of State Condaleezza Rice as their next head coach: “We live in a brand-new world of astounding statements. Everyone knows Condi is going to take the @nyknicks job.”
O.J.? No, thanks
An elderly woman named Phyllis in Palm Beach Gardens, Fla., had been tipped off that a famous former athlete was about to move in across the street, but she wasn’t told who it would be.
“So she goes back to her house that night and she turns on the TV,” her neighbor-to-be — Hall of Fame catcher Johnny Bench, 70 — told the Palm Beach Post. “And she hears that O.J. Simpson is moving to Florida. She was so happy not to see a white Bronco pull up in front of the house.”
Quote, end quote
• NBC’s Jimmy Fallon, after Bears kicker Cody Parkey hit the uprights four times (4!) on field-goal or PAT attempts in a 34-24 win over the Lions: “Then, after the game, it took him four times to get through the locker-room doors.”
• Jim Barach, after a Houston player got into a heated discussion with Cougars coach Major Applewhite over wearing a jacket on the sideline: “The good news is, it was so heated he didn’t need the jacket anymore.”
• Jack Finarelli of SportsCurmudgeon.com, after Browns GM John Dorsey said he’d consider ex-Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice in his head-coaching search: “If he said that as part of a stand-up comedy routine, maybe it would work in that context; in just about any other context, it is about as dumb as an inflatable dart board.”
• Greg Cote of the Miami Herald, after Florida citizens voted to ban dog racing in the state: “Meaning some 6,000 suddenly retired racing greyhounds may need new homes. Breathing a well-earned sigh of relief: the mechanical rabbit!”
• Red Wings coach Jeff Blashill, to HockeyBuzz.com, after “Detroit’s No. 9” — a retired number since Gordie Howe last wore it in 1971 — was whistled for a hooking penalty against Ottawa: “We caught that. We weren’t sure if Gordie was coming back.”